omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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