He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
