And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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