I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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