spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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