i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Shame - the story of my life.
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