I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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