Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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