There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
