he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
