Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
he had hair everywhere except his balls
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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