My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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