I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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