Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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