How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
