I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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