Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
