he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
