If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
