I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
