Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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