What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize