He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
