My Higher Power is John Stamos
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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