I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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