I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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