Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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