I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
