she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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