Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
