good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
