You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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