i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
