I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize