Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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