whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
