I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
