Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
