It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
