I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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