I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
