im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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