On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
