Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
