He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
