Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
