I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
