i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
