nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
