Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
sex in a hospital.. check
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
