Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
