I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
