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Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
