I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
