she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish you could order shots online.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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