I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
