Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
