And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
